Emilie Silverwood-Cope: On a sticky wicket - let them quit or make them tough it out?
My youngest child hates his after school cricket club and wants to give up.
I know this because he’s told me more than a few times and I’ve told him (more than a few times) that he can stop at the end of the term. He has four more painful lessons to go. Painful for him because he doesn’t like cricket. Painful for me because he complains and painful for his teacher who emailed me to say my son doesn’t seem to want to learn how to play cricket. He made this clear by feigning a tummy ache to get out of learning to bowl.
I wanted my son to learn because I wanted him to have a summer activity, a ready-made group of friends and an activity that didn’t involve a screen. In other words, I thought if he fell in love with playing cricket I could feel like a better mum. He also liked the idea of playing in a club and playing matches but he didn’t love learning the skills that would make that happen. So that’s it for cricket.
My middle child wants to ditch her drama club. The cricket conundrum is easy enough: we’ve paid until the end of term and he can give up then. The drama club is a bit different. I am all for her giving up. It’s expensive and I have to sit in long traffic jams to get her there. She is, though, pretty good at it. She’s also been doing this club for five years and has just passed her Grade 6 with flying colours. She’s at the stage where her exam results count towards UCAS points - a bit like a loyalty card finally paying off. Do I let her quit, even though I’d rather be at home, saving money?
What do we do as parents: do we make them tough out the boring bits in the hope the love for the hobby will come later? Or do we let them quit and stop throwing away time and money on something they don’t like?
When my child asks if they can give something up I worry my answer is going to be one of those key moments they’ll work through with a future therapist. I imagine the session will go something like this. Conversation 1: “If only my mum hadn’t let me give things up. I am now a procrastinating, giver-upper and it’s all her fault.” Conversation 2: “If only my mum had let me give up. I hated doing things and she made me do them. I’m stuck doing a job I hate and don’t know how to listen to myself when I hate something and it’s all her fault.”
I vividly remember sitting in my French A-level class, loathing every minute of it. I had been made to do it by my own mother who thought my subject choices weren’t heavyweight enough. As it turned out I wasn’t heavyweight enough for French and wound up with a D when I needed a B. This flung me into clearing and onto a much less cool course at a significantly less cool university. Maybe I should talk to a therapist about it.
My parenting has been heavily influenced by my ‘I hate French’ moment. My children pick their own subjects and interests. If they wind up hating them and not doing well at least they have autonomy (and can’t blame me).
Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, laughed at mothers like me, raising their fragile children who can’t cope with any inconvenience. But there is truth in her much derided book. Life is about learning some grit and not complaining. We all have to do things we don’t like very much, in jobs we find boring at times. Learning a new skill can be tedious. Mastery is the fun bit, practising not so much. Doing your scales over and over is not as fun as playing the piece. This is firmly from the ‘you’ll thank me later’ school of parenting.
There is wisdom too, in knowing when to pull the plug. Sunk loss fallacy is not carrying on just because you’ve spent a ton of money and sat in loads of traffic jams. Giving up frees the timetable for other things. If you’re going to give something up, give up with a sense of power. You’ve given it your best shot. It’s not for you. You’re off to try something else.
Making my children do something they hate makes me feel like an overbearing parent. Letting them give up makes me worry I’m letting them off the hook too easily. What’s the right answer? It’s a tough one. I give up.
Read more Parenting Truths from Emilie Silverwood-Cope every month in the Cambridge Independent.
