Emilie Silverwood-Cope: What do wish you had known earlier?

I’d morph briefly into the parent they’d told me to be. I would adopt recommended phrases and try to be more patient or maybe stricter - depending on the direction of travel the author had sent me in. Much like trying a restrictive diet I’d stick with it for a bit and then the real me would emerge. Tired me, who hated the park and lost her rag over a missing wellie because we were running late.

Instead of debating those parenting methods, I asked my friends - with older children - what they wish they’d known, what they regret about those early years and what they would do differently.

Remember though, you must ignore anything that wouldn’t work for you.

• ‘I regret worrying so much. I was so anxious about it all.’
• ‘Parent the child you’ve got. It sounds obvious but took me a while to realise that what worked for child number one didn’t for number two. There’s little point in ignoring their fundamental natures. One-size parenting didn’t fit all my children and might not fit yours either.’
• ‘I wish I had known life with a newborn is easier if you find a way to carry them all the time.’
• ‘I wish I’d had my baby earlier. Or at least been prepared for how tough it would be have a small child in my mid-40s.’
• ‘It helps if you put down the parenting book and trust your gut. I wish I trusted my gut instinct when it came to one child’s speech delay. I was told not to worry when actually I should’ve worried.’
• ‘If you can face it, get outside as early and as often as possible. Your afternoons are easier.’
• ‘The park is boring. I get a PTSD response when I pass my local park and my kids are in their teens now.’
• ‘Mum and baby groups were a godsend.’
• ‘Apologise quickly and genuinely when you mess up, shout, get impatient over nothing. We all have bad days and you have not broken your child or failed as a mother if you’ve had one.’
• ‘Being tired is really hard. Give yourself a break - literally and figuratively. It’s a tiredness that’s impossible to explain to someone without children. It’s even impossible to explain to someone with a child who sleeps.’
• ‘Children can be very annoying. Don’t take it personally.’
• ‘Pick your battles. But manners do matter.’
• ‘I regret how much I shouted! I can see now how hard it was, and how hard I was working but I wish I’d had more time and not been up against it all the time’
• ‘It will make your future easier if you introduce them to a wide range of foods earlier. Those fussy habits can stick. Don’t obsess about it but I wish I didn’t have such fussy eaters.’
• ‘Don’t be a fake and a fraud - I hear parents ‘acting the part of a great parent’ and kids just zone it out. You can see the ones who are being themselves and have a proper authentic relationship.’
• ‘The more you make your child do now, the easier your future will be.’
• ‘Make friends with people who make you laugh.’
• ‘Don’t just video or photograph your kids - get someone else to video you with your kids. I only have one video of me playing with my younger kids. They are both on my back and I’m crawling around the kitchen. The children are hysterical with laughter and I’m slightly complaining and slightly laughing as my husband records us. I remember the shouting but I hadn’t remembered that I used to make them laugh a lot too.’
• ‘Swearing is fine until they can talk.’
• ‘Find good friends. And ones who let you cancel at the last minute because your baby is still sleeping. Don’t hang out with anyone who makes you feel you’re doing it wrong.’
• ‘It’s perfectly OK to pick the school or nursery nearest your house rather than worry about finding the most ‘superior’. Convenience and local friends cannot be underrated.’
• ‘Being a perfect mother doesn’t help anyone. Good enough is good enough.’

Read more Parenting Truths from Emilie Silverwood-Cope every month in the Cambridge Independent.