Emilie Silverwood-Cope: A timeless tale of sibling rivalry
Prince Harry doesn’t seem to realise how commonplace all this is. Not everyone gets a Netflix deal out of it, of course, but millions of us have experienced exactly what’s driving him.
What we are seeing being played out (interminably) between the royal family is good, old-fashioned sibling rivalry.
Ask most parents of more than one child and they will confirm. Brothers and sisters don’t always like each other. They will compete, bicker, fight and sabotage, and seemingly never tire of it. There’s always something to do battle over. Two gorgeous girls I know will fight over everything, even about who gets to sit next to Granny (she sits in the middle to keep the peace).
Siblings can be vile to each other. There’s no better preparation for parents than to watch Harry Enfield’s characters Naughty Harry and Lulu (shown on television in the 1990s and now available on YouTube). In every sketch we get to see toddler Harry (torn up by loathing and jealousy of this new baby) deliberately hurt his little sister.
We are hardwired to survive and when our survival depends on our parents we compete with the other annoying creatures in the house. We might think there are a complex set of reasons why we’re justifiably annoyed but it’s usually simply a combination of jealousy, aggression and entitlement. Add into that mix the irritation that comes with being stuck in close quarters with someone. Familiarity breeds contempt especially when your nemesis is next to you and chewing too loudly.
Siblings are our closest and oldest enemy. They are the ones who know exactly what painful secrets to divulge and which buttons to push. When one sister was upset because she had so many mosquito bites, her younger sister teased her later with “well at least I’ve got all my blood”. Impressive trolling from a three-year-old. Siblings instinctively know where to aim, and rarely miss.
Family life and siblings can bring out the very worst in us. One friend of mine - someone I’ve long considered one of the most decent and kind people I know - said he spent a good proportion of his childhood trying to coerce his younger brother into jumping off things and landing on one leg. His brother thought it was Ninja training - but my friend was hoping he’d seriously hurt himself.
Siblings will fight over a broken toy or where they get to sit in the car. My younger two children ruined so many meals with their pointless squabbling that the eldest asked to eat in his room. Family life can become tiresome if you’ve got children who simply cannot, or will not, get along. It’s hard for parents to resolve these battles because they seem so ridiculous and are a boring round of ‘unfair’ and someone else started it. This is the other problem with sibling battles. What cuts deeply and feels like a battle for survival can look utterly petty and pointless to outsiders.
Some grow out of it but many do not. Adult sibling estrangement is common with a third of us having gone through a period of not talking to a brother or sister. One of the fun things about having a sibling is being able to have the same argument for decades. One of the fun things about becoming a parent is seeing it happen in the same but different way between your own children.
How do we create a family that gets along and wants to be with each other? A lot of it seems to be down to luck. Some children do just get on better than others. I’m all for stepping in and not allowing children to bully and hurt the younger members of the house. However, sibling battles aren’t all bad news. Managed right, it could teach children how to tolerate others, share, compromise, forgive and apologise.
They don’t always grow out of them of course. Our childhood battles can trigger a lifetime of power struggles, betrayals, a sense of unfairness, feeling unloved and that burning need to be right. My one bit of advice (if Harry is lurking), as a child of four and a parent of three, would be to step away from Netflix. Say no to Oprah. The least said is most definitely the soonest mended. Recollections do indeed vary.
Read more Parenting Truths from Emilie Silverwood-Cope every month in the Cambridge Independent.