Emilie Silverwood-Cope: Mind the age gap
My younger two children’s first real love was for their big brother. He was five years old when my middle child was born and eight when the youngest came along. Their toddler years were spent waiting excitedly for him to come out of school.
They were in constant awe of all the incredible things he could do. He was their go-to expert and he was the most fun to be had. They would steal off to play together. He read to them, watched films with them and was never bored by them. In turn, they adored him, hero-worshipped him and just wanted to always be with him.
My children are now aged 17, 11 and nine years old and they rarely spend any time together. There are not many crossover interests any more nor the opportunities to hang out. Family days out are a thing of the past as we struggle to think of anything they’d all want to do.
Their schedules, like their body clocks, are entirely different. The last successful day out was to do a tree-top climb. The youngest only just passed the height restriction and had to be rescued mid-wobbly bridge by his brother. This summer though my eldest (quite rightly) has a diary full of festivals. Tree-top climbs don’t make his to-do list.
When we went into lockdown it slowly dawned on the youngest boy that his big brother would have to be home with him. He assumed playtime together was guaranteed because there was no-one else in the picture crowding him out. Not even a pandemic made it happen though. We ate together more, of course, but the playing didn’t happen. The teen was in his room, virtually still hanging out with his friends or studying for exams.
Eventually, unable to take the pleading any more, we booked in a gaming session for all three of them. We shamelessly bribed the eldest, asking him to treat it like a babysitting session.
Watching my eldest become a teen and retreat to his bedroom has been like watching a real life Toy Story. The younger two are Buzz and Woody, heartbroken about Andy disappearing off somewhere towards adulthood. I was chatting to another little nine-year-old and asked about his big brother: “He’s 13, he used to play Lego with me but he thinks it’s all boring now”. My heart broke a bit for all these primary-aged children losing their favourite person to Year 8.
Age gaps can make the house feel like it is split into two families. I’ve heard stories of people feeling like they were only children because the age gap was so big. Children who lived in the same house but never saw each other and had nothing in common. Just as one child is going to bed another child wants to start watching television. Sometimes it can feel like we are never really together as a family and, worse still, I know we are on borrowed time. University is coming next and he could be gone before the youngest is even at secondary school.
Every now and again the stars will align.They will find a Marvel film they all want to watch or a box set they can all enjoy. It usually means I have to turn a strategic blind eye as something the 17-year-old wants to watch is not ideal viewing for a nine-year-old. In the end though, I can overlook them watching The Big Bang Theory just to see them all laughing together.
When my eldest got really good at the Rubik’s Cube his little brother asked if he could take him in for show and tell. Instead, on the youngest’s ninth birthday his brother did the school pick-up as a surprise treat. The joy of being able to show off a six foot brother to classmates cannot be surpassed. In return, for his 17th birthday he got a card with coins (from a piggy bank) stuck in the shape of a heart.
“When is your brother the most fun?” I asked deliberately to help pad out this very column. “When he babysits us.” Some things haven’t changed that much then.
Read more Parenting Truths from Emilie Silverwood-Cope every month in the Cambridge Independent.
