Paul Kirkley: Pride comes before a foundation failure
Pride swelled in my bosom last week when I read that Cambridge has once again been ranked as the number one science and technology cluster in the world.
Not personal pride, you understand – I can barely operate the washing machine, let alone roll back the frontiers of technology – but civic pride, on behalf of my adopted city.
But then I read two other stories. One was that more than 80 new-build homes in Cambridge – worth more than £40 million – will have to be demolished after defects and ‘foundation issues’ were discovered at the Darwin Green development. And the other was that parts of the newly revamped Milton Road will have to be re-revamped because, owing to a ‘design error’, they haven’t left enough space for people to get their cars into their driveways.
None of which is exactly rocket science, is it? Although, maybe if it was rocket science, we’d be better at it.
My civic pride took a further dent when I read the Cambridge Indy report about how some students are spending up to five hours a day commuting into the city’s sixth-form colleges because bus services are up the spout (I’m paraphrasing).
Really, though, it’s beyond depressing that, in the world’s most innovative city, in the space year 2023, we can’t manage something as basic as bussing kids into school. Or are we just meant to hold out until those science park boffins invent the teleport?
In a heavily contested field, the most unhinged political row of last month was the one helpfully summed up by the Telegraph headline: ‘BBC blasted for showing sea of EU flags in Last Night of the Proms coverage’.
Yes, that’s right – those Brussels-loving, Britain-hating traitors at the Beeb have been found outrageously guilty of… showing reality. By pointing a camera at what was actually happening in front of them at the time.
Former Tory MP Harvey Proctor called for “an immediate investigation” into how this ‘showing reality’ thing could possibly have happened. Meanwhile, Nile Gardiner – a former aide to Margaret Thatcher turned Telegraph bloviator – said it was “ironic” to see so many EU flags on show, before adding: “Rule Britannia represents freedom, sovereignty and self-determination, all absent in the European Union.”
Except, it seems, the freedom and self-determination to wave whatever the hell flag you like. And he has the nerve to talk about irony.
Richard Tice, the former Brexit Party MEP who’s now leading crackpot fringe party Reform UK, went one further by explicitly saying out loud, on GB News: “We all like free speech, but there’s a time and a place for it.”
Hmmmm. And what would that time and place be, Richard? Could it possibly be ‘when I agree with what’s being said’?
So yeah, the freedom-loving, cancel culture-hating right are now trying to get EU flags cancelled from the Proms, to be replaced by a sea of patriotic Union Flags that members of the audience will be forced to wave, whether they want to or not. Just like in those other great freedom-loving states, North Korea and Nazi Germany.
Oops. Sorry, my mistake. No sooner had I written the above than the Prime Minister threw his jester’s hat into the ‘unhinged political row of the month’ ring by announcing an immediate end to the meat tax and people being forced to have seven bins. Which would no doubt have been the cause of much rejoicing in the streets (assuming there was space, what with all the bins)... if only either of those things had ever actually existed in the first place.
In that spirit, then, here are my predictions for a few more policies we can look forward to in the next Conservative election manifesto:
- Legislation to outlaw the illegal barn dancing trade
- A strict limit of one nuclear reactor per household
- An end to enforced brass rubbing
- A clampdown on dangerous frogs
- A formal review into plans for Coventry to become Daventry, and vice versa
- A 5 per cent reduction in hair tax
- The freedom to choose your own favourite Beatle
- No more triangular passports
- Halving inflation (OK, that one’s a joke).
Rishi Sunak’s pledge to ban XL bully dogs from Britain felt dangerously close to an actual plan to fix an actual problem (unfashionable, I know) – but it predictably brought the “it’s not the dog, it’s the owner” crowd out in force.
Honestly, why is it so difficult for these people – one of whom even accused Sunak of ‘dog racism’ – to grasp the concept that some breeds of animal are genetically more aggressive than others? Or did they sit in the cinema during Jaws shouting, “it’s not the great white sharks, it’s the owners!”
How lovely to see Michael Palin packing them in the aisles at Ely Cathedral a couple of weeks ago. And what more fitting location for this twinkliest of national treasures – who, in our largely secular nation, is possibly now the closest we thing we have to Jesus. (Though followers of the Divine Church of Attenborough may disagree.)
Eyebrows have been raised at the fact there are, as The Times headline put it, “more Pauls than women on this year’s Booker Prize shortlist”.
Which, on one level, is obviously a terrible thing. But on another, I can’t help thinking recognition for Pauls in the creative arts is long overdue. Sure, women have faced centuries of prejudice and oppression – but have they ever tried living with the world’s most boring name? (If there are any Susans reading, this is a rhetorical question, so no need to write in.)
Seriously, how many cool Pauls can you think of? There’s Newman, obviously, but he’s dead. (I’m actually named after him, and my sister Joanne is named after his wife, Joanne Woodward, which is a bit weird.) And Paul McCartney, but he’s not even a real Paul – his first name’s James. Bono is a real Paul, but no-one thinks he’s cool. Which just leaves Paul Simon, Paul Rudd, Paul Whitehouse and Paul Pogba.
Maybe I should change my name to RuPaul Kirkley instead? I’ll run it by my wife and let you know how it goes.
Read more from Paul every month in the Cambridge Independent.
